Staring off into the abyss not knowing who or what I’ve become… just so much emptiness, Bipolar Me.
Lately I catch myself doing this, sitting in my car for long periods of time before realizing I’ve spaced off. It’s overwhelming when you have 1000 emotions eating you alive. Where do I go from here, how do I start over, when will the pain end, what did I do to deserve this… none of these questions do I have a legit answer for. When it comes down to it, I wonder if I’m ever going to be happy. And waiting for that day like I waited for it with R, when will I be over M?
I relapsed tonight, I said I wouldn’t drink anymore but I turned back to the bottle. I don’t know why I did it, but it felt so right. I don’t understand much of anything in my life anymore. I’ve grown really weak when I’m supposed to be my strongest. But love can ruin a person in the end I suppose. And for what? He doesn’t feel a thing so I suffer from the pain alone. Just like before…
Lately I have realized, I don’t want to be with anyone but I also don’t want to be alone. Why is it that when I’m alone the first person I want to talk to is M? Well luckily he has my number blocked so even when I get stupid and text him he’ll get that pathetic text message. That’s how it always works though, the first one to say I love you is the first one to bail usually. M told me he loved me on our second date, crazy I know. I was struck by his charm and fell hard for him. And today, I wish I never met him. Because without him my life would have been much easier.
When you stop caring and let go, you have the most potential to be free. But that’s just it, I want to set myself free. But something is holding me back… every time I try to free myself of this nightmare of M something drags me back in. Well at least I have no ties to him now. He removed me from instagram. So good for me right, I don’t have to see his stupid posts anymore.
I’ve been sitting out in my car for a while now, I should probably go in my apartment… I’ll write again soon, I promise this time.