Days fade into weeks and weeks fade into months… it’s only been a week since you’ve been out of my life… Bipolar me.
Everyone says things get better with time. But time feels like it’s my enemy. I said I didn’t want to fall in love again. That I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing someone again. Because that’s what always happens with me. They all leave…
Bipolar disorder ruins my life, takes every piece of me that I like and turns it into something that no one wants to love. I miss the part of me that I knew so well, the part of me that was with me until I turned 25. Everything went down hill from there. Everything felt clouded and unreal. Paranoia set in and destroyed everything, including me.
I struggle every day to see a me in the mirror that I could possibly love myself. When I had Z in my life it was so much more clear to me who I was and what good things I had going. But like the others Z left too. Left me with nothing but tears and pain. I couldn’t reach out to him if I wanted to after all, he blocked me in every way possible. Which I suppose is fine, I brought this on myself.
Bipolar disorder has some ugly characteristics to it. Risky behavior. And what I mean by that is, not thinking before doing. When Z broke up with me I met this guy that seemed alright, made me smile and I felt some happiness in the midst of it. But I didn’t think about how me going on a date with this guy would bother Z. When he found out he was furious. Told me I was like his ex wife, a cheater. But I never cheated on Z, he broke up with me. So why do I have to be categorized with his cheating ex? Here’s the answer. My risky behavior, I slept with the guy. I wanted to feel something again. I didn’t feel much, I thought he was a nice guy until he turned out to be a jerk too. I wish I could take it all back, maybe I would still have Z in my life. Because losing the person who holds you together when you fall to pieces is the person you should keep. You should cherish those kind of people.
Z was different for me, maybe because he was bipolar too. He knew when I would fall apart that it was a temporary thing and that he couldn’t fix me. You can’t fix bipolar, you learn to live with it.
I am starting to come to terms with my life. I may always be alone because people look at me like I’m supposed to be an a mental institution somewhere. And who knows maybe I should be, some days I fight with myself so vigorously that I can’t function the entire day. I know when I’m going into my fits, I cry for no reason and everything hurts me. All it took tonight was seeing a bow with Zs last name on it. I started crying. I felt like everything had just ended in my life again.
I’m clinging to my sanity like I’m falling over the edge of the titanic. One iceberg and I’m going to tumble over the edge. I need out of this prison in my mind. It’s like I’m the prisoner and bipolar disorder is the guard… I never get time away from it. When I feel like I’m getting better I usually get worse again. I wish time really was the answer, but time is crushing me day to day…
Looking for the way out of this madness…