Dreaming or Somthing…

Staring off into the abyss not knowing who or what I’ve become… just so much emptiness, Bipolar Me.

IMG_5139.JPG

Lately I catch myself doing this, sitting in my car for long periods of time before realizing I’ve spaced off. It’s overwhelming when you have 1000 emotions eating you alive. Where do I go from here, how do I start over, when will the pain end, what did I do to deserve this… none of these questions do I have a legit answer for. When it comes down to it, I wonder if I’m ever going to be happy. And waiting for that day like I waited for it with R, when will I be over M?

I relapsed tonight, I said I wouldn’t drink anymore but I turned back to the bottle. I don’t know why I did it, but it felt so right. I don’t understand much of anything in my life anymore. I’ve grown really weak when I’m supposed to be my strongest. But love can ruin a person in the end I suppose. And for what? He doesn’t feel a thing so I suffer from the pain alone. Just like before…

Lately I have realized, I don’t want to be with anyone but I also don’t want to be alone. Why is it that when I’m alone the first person I want to talk to is M? Well luckily he has my number blocked so even when I get stupid and text him he’ll get that pathetic text message. That’s how it always works though, the first one to say I love you is the first one to bail usually. M told me he loved me on our second date, crazy I know. I was struck by his charm and fell hard for him. And today, I wish I never met him. Because without him my life would have been much easier.

When you stop caring and let go, you have the most potential to be free. But that’s just it, I want to set myself free. But something is holding me back… every time I try to free myself of this nightmare of M something drags me back in. Well at least I have no ties to him now. He removed me from instagram. So good for me right, I don’t have to see his stupid posts anymore.

I’ve been sitting out in my car for a while now, I should probably go in my apartment… I’ll write again soon, I promise this time.

BIPOLAR ME.

The Kind of Pain That Doesn’t Go Away…

I haven’t wrote for a while, because everything was so perfect. But with bipolar disorder things that are perfect always come to an end… Bipolar Me
I always say I’m going to be better about writing and then I find a temporary happiness in my life and it makes me forget about my blog. I’ve been in so much pain the last two months. My boyfriend who I loved very much left me. I didn’t see it coming, I know we had our issues but I never saw it coming to an end. One day he was telling me he loved me and supported me, the next everything was gone.

You know that’s what sucks about having a mental disorder. I love with all of my heart and I always get my heart broken. I always say I’m not going to fall in love again and I seem to always do the opposite. But this time, this one was special. “M” was truly amazing until it came down to judgement. He couldn’t be my “caretaker” even though I never put that on him. Nor would I have ever asked him to be such a thing. I’m bipolar not mentally disabled and I don’t require a caretaker.

I still cry when I’m alone, I beg God to relieve me of my pain. I don’t know if God is listening to me anymore. It feels like my soul is tortured and the pain I have to endure is too much. There are days that I can’t move, that I feel so paralyzed by the pain.

I imagine like with R that it’s going to take some time to get over M. But he was different than R, I saw him almost every day. With R we were long distance because of him being stationed in Seattle. It’s insane how much more I cry over M. It’s a pain I’ve never felt with anyone else. Life can be so cruel, putting people in your life just to take them away.

I heard a song that I really like “Take it on Faith” it puts me through 1000 emotions but it’s beautiful. I feel like my soul has been ripped into a million pieces and then put through a blender. I just wish M would give me a chance to show I can control my disorder better. I can be the change I needed and I’m doing better now.

IMG_5137.JPGThe pain is consuming me, the tears keep falling…

Life Went to Shit Again.

I don’t know anything anymore, just the numbness that consumes me… bipolar me

Lately it has been hard for me to do anything really. I can’t find happiness and I feel like my misery is swallowing me. Like a fire taking me as it’s prisoner. Some days I wonder if I’m a prisoner to bipolar disorder and if I’ll ever be “truly” better. Or am I going to suffer the rest of my miserable life. I don’t keep relationships well because of my disorder. No one understands me nor do they try…

They increased my meds today and put me back on lithium. Shot form of course… they don’t think I’ll take my meds so they’re taking another route. I just feel numb, not so much hurt or in pain. NUMB… seroquel, lithium, trazodone… how many more medications do I need? They work for a while then they stop.
Some days I cry for hours, not really knowing why either. It just feels “right” to cry it out.

Maybe I am “crazy” and “unwell”. I try to not listen to people around me because they don’t understand my struggle.

Help me out of this hell.

IMG_5138.JPG

Prisoner.

Days fade into weeks and weeks fade into months… it’s only been a week since you’ve been out of my life… Bipolar me.
Everyone says things get better with time. But time feels like it’s my enemy. I said I didn’t want to fall in love again. That I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing someone again. Because that’s what always happens with me. They all leave…
Bipolar disorder ruins my life, takes every piece of me that I like and turns it into something that no one wants to love. I miss the part of me that I knew so well, the part of me that was with me until I turned 25. Everything went down hill from there. Everything felt clouded and unreal. Paranoia set in and destroyed everything, including me. 
I struggle every day to see a me in the mirror that I could possibly love myself. When I had Z in my life it was so much more clear to me who I was and what good things I had going. But like the others Z left too. Left me with nothing but tears and pain. I couldn’t reach out to him if I wanted to after all, he blocked me in every way possible. Which I suppose is fine, I brought this on myself. 
Bipolar disorder has some ugly characteristics to it. Risky behavior. And what I mean by that is, not thinking before doing. When Z broke up with me I met this guy that seemed alright, made me smile and I felt some happiness in the midst of it. But I didn’t think about how me going on a date with this guy would bother Z. When he found out he was furious. Told me I was like his ex wife, a cheater. But I never cheated on Z, he broke up with me. So why do I have to be categorized with his cheating ex? Here’s the answer. My risky behavior, I slept with the guy. I wanted to feel something again. I didn’t feel much, I thought he was a nice guy until he turned out to be a jerk too. I wish I could take it all back, maybe I would still have Z in my life. Because losing the person who holds you together when you fall to pieces is the person you should keep. You should cherish those kind of people. 
Z was different for me, maybe because he was bipolar too. He knew when I would fall apart that it was a temporary thing and that he couldn’t fix me. You can’t fix bipolar, you learn to live with it. 
I am starting to come to terms with my life. I may always be alone because people look at me like I’m supposed to be an a mental institution somewhere. And who knows maybe I should be, some days I fight with myself so vigorously that I can’t function the entire day. I know when I’m going into my fits, I cry for no reason and everything hurts me. All it took tonight was seeing a bow with Zs last name on it. I started crying. I felt like everything had just ended in my life again. 
I’m clinging to my sanity like I’m falling over the edge of the titanic. One iceberg and I’m going to tumble over the edge. I need out of this prison in my mind. It’s like I’m the prisoner and bipolar disorder is the guard… I never get time away from it. When I feel like I’m getting better I usually get worse again. I wish time really was the answer, but time is crushing me day to day… 
Looking for the way out of this madness… 

BIPOLAR ME

To Feel Alive Again.

My eyelashes froze together, as tears fell down my cheeks. 13 degrees and I sit here paralyzed, I just can’t shake it… BIPOLAR ME.
I don’t know where I’m going, just froze in time. Tears hit my jacket and begun to freeze, morsels of pain leaving my body. My therapist says it’s okay to cry, get mad, scream. Don’t bottle it up because that’s what creates the major meltdowns. My throat hurts, voice is hoarse, mascara streaked cheeks of frozen tears. But why? That’s always the question, but sometimes I couldn’t even tell why… 
It’s the memories that you hold onto that hurt the most… when you’re at your worst you think about them. Some of my fondest memories were created by him. And also taken away by him. I have one regret, one thing I wish I could change. I wish I would have told him… told him before the major blow up that drove him away. Maybe then he would have showed me so remorse. That I’ll never know… I don’t like dating anymore because I don’t want to have to explain who I am to anyone. I wish people were more understanding. 
I’m tired of the battle, always feeling defeated… I wish there was a cure for mental illness. I just want someone to rewire my brain and make me “normal”. My doctor says this illness peaks at 25 and generally does get worse with age… I can say she’s absolutely right… Even though I was diagnosed over ten years ago, it definitely got worse with age.
I look myself in the eye every morning as I look in the mirror and give myself a pep talk to pull myself together and start my day. I try to convince myself every day that there will be no meltdowns today and I will get through another day. Some days it works, other days I get in my car after work and cry my eyes out. Cry so hard I can’t catch my breath… those are the days I feel most alive.
I just want to feel alive again.

Tear Drops Remind Me I’m Alive.

Do I run and hide, or stay and cry? Bipolar me…
Lately I haven’t felt much of anything. Haven’t felt like writing or really living life for that matter. I keep having dreams of R. They are devastating and make me wish I could erase him from all memory. I don’t know why my heart wants to put me through the torture of feeling this way. When I wake up, I long for R’s touch, to hear his voice again. I would do anything just to have that closure. I miss him more everyday, and I thought it was going to get easier. Nothing is easy with love, that’s something I’ve learned. I tried replacing him with someone that was damn near identical. It turns out, they were too much alike. He hurt me as well, and it made me long for R once more. R wasn’t always bad to me, he used to be so wonderful. It was when my life became too stressful that my disorder showed. R couldn’t handle me at my worst, and he bailed… 
Bipolar me, many people don’t understand it. But it’s my life, and it burns me deep down to my core. I have days where I am on my hands and knees crying and praying God to relieve me from the constant pain that is actually my life. I don’t think any man will ever be able to handle me, most days I am at my worst. I break down often again, I’ve been really bad about taking my meds. I know it takes it toll on me when I stop taking them. I need to stop doing that, I always tell myself that at least… I always say I’m going to write more, and be better at taking my “crazy pills” as society labels them. But it’s those days, the very few days, that we feel on top of the world that we stop taking them. I tell myself everyday I need my meds, because without them I’m a constant battle with myself. 
My biggest pet peeve with having a disorder such as bipolar 1 with mild schizoaffective disorder is… people ask me, “do you think about killing yourself often”… the answer is yes, I think anyone with this disorder can honestly say that we do contemplate suicide from time to time. My other favorite is… “So do you really hear voices, what’s that like”… it’s hell, to answer your question. The voices come to me at my darkest hour, but they are not limited to just then. It can happen at anytime, high or low. “How much meds are you on?” Why is that anyone’s business, tell you so you can judge me? No thank you. I can’t run from my disorder, but everyone that I’ve ever loved or gotten close to has run away from me because of it. It wasn’t until I found this blog community that I felt comfortable sharing what it’s like to be in my shoes. 
Do not judge someone with a mental disorder because you don’t understand them. Be thankful that they even opened up to you. I know I’m not only speaking for myself when I say opening up to people about how I feel is difficult. It’s extremely hard for me to open up to anyone. I will be the first to admit I have major trust issues. And lately all I’ve had is hurt, betrayal, and dishonesty. It’s times like these that I am truly happy to be single. At least that way no one can hurt me. I say this plainly because I love with my whole heart not just part of it, and I’ve been severely hurt by R… the one who I loved most. 
My New Years resolution is to write every day again. I like helping others with my words. So here’s to a new year, I’m starting my resolution early… 
Bipolar Me…

She Was Drowning, But No One Saw Her Struggle.

It’s been a while since my last entry, proud to say I have made a complete turn around. I vow to myself to not be so careless. I need to first love myself before I open my heart to someone else… Bipolar Me.

Things are getting easier. I still have days that everything hurts though. I still wake up screaming his name… that will go away though. Or so I hope. I have to wonder what he’s doing now a days… but in that wonder I’m at the point where I don’t care now. Mainly because I met someone. And that someone reminds me of R in many ways. Mine and C’s relationship is very similar to how ours used to be. Maybe I like the familiarness of it. He is genuinely nice to me, I like that. 
Forgetting you have a broken heart is easy to do, with the distraction of work and C it’s been easy. No one truly understands how anyone feels really. We all experience broken heartedness different. I try to blow it off when it creeps up on me. But lately, I just don’t care. I don’t want R back anymore. Maybe that’s finally closure to me. It’s what I needed when he was never man enough to give it to me. And that’s okay, I’m the better person. You can forgive, but you honestly never forget. And that’s why we will never be able to be together again. It would never be the same, he ruined it. Enough about R, I want to put him behind me. I’m finally okay, as okay goes at least. 
Work has been a headache lately. I switched to second shift, it’s much busier. I love it though, it keeps my mind busy and I don’t sweat the small things anymore. 
Tonight everyone is at Halloween parties, I chose to stay home and sleep. I love sleep. Plus I work tomorrow, my job is more important than getting all boozed up. I would rather cuddle with my cats and enjoy my nice warm bed. So a big entry was past due, so here I am! 
I leave for South Carolina on the 2nd! I’m excited, I get to see C! I took a few extra days off so I could enjoy my trip this time. I love road trips, driving soothes me. The ten hours honestly feels like nothing when you have the music up and you’re into the songs. I like my road trips, they are tranquility to me. I look forward to my next trip. I can’t be more excited, I’m counting down the days! I’m starting to get sleepy, the seroquel is kicking in now. I’ll write again soon!
Until later sometime soon…

BIPOLAR ME