Prisoner.

Days fade into weeks and weeks fade into months… it’s only been a week since you’ve been out of my life… Bipolar me.
Everyone says things get better with time. But time feels like it’s my enemy. I said I didn’t want to fall in love again. That I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing someone again. Because that’s what always happens with me. They all leave…
Bipolar disorder ruins my life, takes every piece of me that I like and turns it into something that no one wants to love. I miss the part of me that I knew so well, the part of me that was with me until I turned 25. Everything went down hill from there. Everything felt clouded and unreal. Paranoia set in and destroyed everything, including me. 
I struggle every day to see a me in the mirror that I could possibly love myself. When I had Z in my life it was so much more clear to me who I was and what good things I had going. But like the others Z left too. Left me with nothing but tears and pain. I couldn’t reach out to him if I wanted to after all, he blocked me in every way possible. Which I suppose is fine, I brought this on myself. 
Bipolar disorder has some ugly characteristics to it. Risky behavior. And what I mean by that is, not thinking before doing. When Z broke up with me I met this guy that seemed alright, made me smile and I felt some happiness in the midst of it. But I didn’t think about how me going on a date with this guy would bother Z. When he found out he was furious. Told me I was like his ex wife, a cheater. But I never cheated on Z, he broke up with me. So why do I have to be categorized with his cheating ex? Here’s the answer. My risky behavior, I slept with the guy. I wanted to feel something again. I didn’t feel much, I thought he was a nice guy until he turned out to be a jerk too. I wish I could take it all back, maybe I would still have Z in my life. Because losing the person who holds you together when you fall to pieces is the person you should keep. You should cherish those kind of people. 
Z was different for me, maybe because he was bipolar too. He knew when I would fall apart that it was a temporary thing and that he couldn’t fix me. You can’t fix bipolar, you learn to live with it. 
I am starting to come to terms with my life. I may always be alone because people look at me like I’m supposed to be an a mental institution somewhere. And who knows maybe I should be, some days I fight with myself so vigorously that I can’t function the entire day. I know when I’m going into my fits, I cry for no reason and everything hurts me. All it took tonight was seeing a bow with Zs last name on it. I started crying. I felt like everything had just ended in my life again. 
I’m clinging to my sanity like I’m falling over the edge of the titanic. One iceberg and I’m going to tumble over the edge. I need out of this prison in my mind. It’s like I’m the prisoner and bipolar disorder is the guard… I never get time away from it. When I feel like I’m getting better I usually get worse again. I wish time really was the answer, but time is crushing me day to day… 
Looking for the way out of this madness… 

BIPOLAR ME

Tear Drops Remind Me I’m Alive.

Do I run and hide, or stay and cry? Bipolar me…
Lately I haven’t felt much of anything. Haven’t felt like writing or really living life for that matter. I keep having dreams of R. They are devastating and make me wish I could erase him from all memory. I don’t know why my heart wants to put me through the torture of feeling this way. When I wake up, I long for R’s touch, to hear his voice again. I would do anything just to have that closure. I miss him more everyday, and I thought it was going to get easier. Nothing is easy with love, that’s something I’ve learned. I tried replacing him with someone that was damn near identical. It turns out, they were too much alike. He hurt me as well, and it made me long for R once more. R wasn’t always bad to me, he used to be so wonderful. It was when my life became too stressful that my disorder showed. R couldn’t handle me at my worst, and he bailed… 
Bipolar me, many people don’t understand it. But it’s my life, and it burns me deep down to my core. I have days where I am on my hands and knees crying and praying God to relieve me from the constant pain that is actually my life. I don’t think any man will ever be able to handle me, most days I am at my worst. I break down often again, I’ve been really bad about taking my meds. I know it takes it toll on me when I stop taking them. I need to stop doing that, I always tell myself that at least… I always say I’m going to write more, and be better at taking my “crazy pills” as society labels them. But it’s those days, the very few days, that we feel on top of the world that we stop taking them. I tell myself everyday I need my meds, because without them I’m a constant battle with myself. 
My biggest pet peeve with having a disorder such as bipolar 1 with mild schizoaffective disorder is… people ask me, “do you think about killing yourself often”… the answer is yes, I think anyone with this disorder can honestly say that we do contemplate suicide from time to time. My other favorite is… “So do you really hear voices, what’s that like”… it’s hell, to answer your question. The voices come to me at my darkest hour, but they are not limited to just then. It can happen at anytime, high or low. “How much meds are you on?” Why is that anyone’s business, tell you so you can judge me? No thank you. I can’t run from my disorder, but everyone that I’ve ever loved or gotten close to has run away from me because of it. It wasn’t until I found this blog community that I felt comfortable sharing what it’s like to be in my shoes. 
Do not judge someone with a mental disorder because you don’t understand them. Be thankful that they even opened up to you. I know I’m not only speaking for myself when I say opening up to people about how I feel is difficult. It’s extremely hard for me to open up to anyone. I will be the first to admit I have major trust issues. And lately all I’ve had is hurt, betrayal, and dishonesty. It’s times like these that I am truly happy to be single. At least that way no one can hurt me. I say this plainly because I love with my whole heart not just part of it, and I’ve been severely hurt buy R… the one who I loved most. 
My New Years resolution is to write every day again. I like helping others with my words. So here’s to a new year, I’m starting my resolution early… 
Bipolar Me…

She Was Drowning, But No One Saw Her Struggle.

It’s been a while since my last entry, proud to say I have made a complete turn around. I vow to myself to not be so careless. I need to first love myself before I open my heart to someone else… Bipolar Me.

Things are getting easier. I still have days that everything hurts though. I still wake up screaming his name… that will go away though. Or so I hope. I have to wonder what he’s doing now a days… but in that wonder I’m at the point where I don’t care now. Mainly because I met someone. And that someone reminds me of R in many ways. Mine and C’s relationship is very similar to how ours used to be. Maybe I like the familiarness of it. He is genuinely nice to me, I like that. 
Forgetting you have a broken heart is easy to do, with the distraction of work and C it’s been easy. No one truly understands how anyone feels really. We all experience broken heartedness different. I try to blow it off when it creeps up on me. But lately, I just don’t care. I don’t want R back anymore. Maybe that’s finally closure to me. It’s what I needed when he was never man enough to give it to me. And that’s okay, I’m the better person. You can forgive, but you honestly never forget. And that’s why we will never be able to be together again. It would never be the same, he ruined it. Enough about R, I want to put him behind me. I’m finally okay, as okay goes at least. 
Work has been a headache lately. I switched to second shift, it’s much busier. I love it though, it keeps my mind busy and I don’t sweat the small things anymore. 
Tonight everyone is at Halloween parties, I chose to stay home and sleep. I love sleep. Plus I work tomorrow, my job is more important than getting all boozed up. I would rather cuddle with my cats and enjoy my nice warm bed. So a big entry was past due, so here I am! 
I leave for South Carolina on the 2nd! I’m excited, I get to see C! I took a few extra days off so I could enjoy my trip this time. I love road trips, driving soothes me. The ten hours honestly feels like nothing when you have the music up and you’re into the songs. I like my road trips, they are tranquility to me. I look forward to my next trip. I can’t be more excited, I’m counting down the days! I’m starting to get sleepy, the seroquel is kicking in now. I’ll write again soon!
Until later sometime soon…

BIPOLAR ME

Short Post, Continue to Next Post.

That’s how you know, when it grabs ahold of you and won’t let go… Bipolar me.

Lately I haven’t much been inspired to write. I’ve made some poor decisions lately. I never learn from my mistakes, the worst part is that R hates me. There’s no hope anymore that he will ever take me back. I’ve come to terms with it and it hurts more than anything. I keep surrounding myself with guys that don’t matter to forget the one who does. I hope one day I can leave R behind and move forward. He’s obviously left me behind, and maybe that’s why it hurts so bad.

I cleaned my apartment tonight. Just kept cleaning because I didn’t know what else to do.

Don’t know what to write, this one is short.
BIPOLAR ME.

Trapped, I’m the Keeper.

Trapped in a body that’s entirely my own, but not at the same time.

I’m on my long flight home from Seattle. I didn’t see R, but I wasn’t expecting to. I’m trying to move past him and date other people. I feel trapped by my feelings. It’s like having a leash that retracts when you start feeling better. Getting pulled back into depression when things seem okay, but are they really ever okay? I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get passed all this, if I will be normal again. I hate bipolar disorder, it’s so wonderful.

This trip to Seattle may have a led me into self destruction, I already feel myself slipping into depression. I have one hour and fifty four minutes left on this flight. I feel sick, disgusted, and torn. So, so torn. But the pain I caused myself reminds me, I can still feel. Even if it’s feelings I don’t want to feel. When I remember that I once knew love, happiness, and remorse… I smile. Because one day I hope I feel those feelings again.

I have forgot a few times to take my seroquel. When I forget, I can feel it. I get so shaky, it’s like my body knows I need it. I took it on my flight hoping it would make me sleep, and stop thinking about issues I can not control. One day, someday, I want to leave this illness behind and live free without it. I know while I’m attached to my human form, this illness is one with me. And I’m coming to terms with it.

When I think about the past, I get lost in it. It’s like the memories hold me and don’t let go. That’s where I wish I would live, in those memories. The great memories, when I still had R and we were so in love.

I can’t write any more today, I feel numb.
BIPOLAR ME.

Empty Shell, Personal Hell.

I miss the part of me that was once a part of you… Bipolar Me.

I got in a pretty bad car accident, so apologies for not writing. I wanted so bad to keep up on my blog. I will be writing more in the days to come. I’ve a nasty concussion so my thoughts have been everywhere. It’s been a really rough week, I’m hurting again. I’m hurting so bad and can’t see the light in the end of the tunnel. If there is one… somedays I just see dark and nothingness. And I wonder, will this ever change? Or am I destined to feel this pain the rest of my existence? That impeding feeling of doom sets in yet again…

I did the last thing possible that I could do. I wrote “R” a letter. Not because I need him there for me, but to tell him I’m doing fine without him. “R” is more of a distant memory now a days… I wish he was more, but the hurt is too much to overcome. He’s got me blocked on everything still, and that’s fine. I can’t keep living my life in hurt and sorrow wishing that there was something more that I could do. I’ve done enough, and literally everything that I could do. He’s selfish, and doesn’t deserve the love that is within me. One day someone somewhere will love me, even with bipolar disorder. But I can’t wait for “R” to come to realization that he’s messed up. He may never come to realization, and that’s something I’ve come to peace with.

I’ve been working on second shift this past week. It was hard coming back from my accident. Second shift is a very busy shift and it’s taking its toll on me. My neck and back still hurt really bad. It like I come home, take my meds and go to bed. I’m off for two days, two much needed days. My best friend and I are going to have a girls night on one of the days. And I go get my new vehicle tomorrow. I’m kind of excited, something fresh and new to me.

I have had the urge lately to just drink my sorrows away, I know it’s a bad idea. Im always really depressed after drinking. But I want more than nothing to just numb the pain. The emptiness inside me, the hole in my heart that’s missing him… it’s like a cast into the void to try and find peace. Some days I’m too depressed to even talk to people. I sit in this empty shell and dream of death. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never met him. Somedays I wish I never met him. I want to hate him so bad because hell its my only chance of overcoming him.

I’ll write another entry tomorrow, it was a long day at work.

XoXo
BIPOLAR ME

When Feelings Show.

I feel sorry for every Therapist, Psychologist, and Psychiatrist I’ve ever met. I know I’ve put thoughts in their mind they will never forget… Bipolar Me.

Somedays it just takes getting up and going to work to help me feel alive. Feeling something is better than nothing I suppose. But that’s the disorder talking, somedays I would rather feel nothing. When the pain kicks in that’s when I feel like my world is caving in. When I think about R, I feel a whole new form of pain. Betrayal, disgust, dishonesty, and every bad feeling that I could possibly feel. But there are days I remember the good that was once R… He told his mom he is going to call me, and also unblock me. I really do hope so… We will see…

I had therapy yesterday, then I slept all day after it. I know my therapist feels my pain, she’s even cried a few times in our sessions. I told her I wanted to write a book, she told me that would be a great idea. She said with my ability to write, not just write but REACH people through my words. That I would have no problems getting published. She asked me why I haven’t been writing as much; I told her because I was lost in the void between happy and devastated. I told her that I kind of just gave up on life for a short period of time.

I went on a mini vacation with my cat BeyoncĂ©. We went to see my mom in South Carolina. It was fun, it felt nice to get away from my hectic life and my past that I so desperately seek to run from. It all catches back up though, don’t be fooled. You can run from your problems or your past but it always has a way of creeping back up on you. And when it does, it hits hard.

I cried for three hours yesterday, from the time I got off work until the time I had to leave and go to therapy. Then I cried a little more, and my therapist cried with me. She said my words are so poetic, easy to articulate and understand. And she likes that about me. I told her I want to be a writer. She said with my abilities I would make a fantastic self help writer. I want to reach people, people like me. Our problems don’t define us. And sometimes it kills us, but I want to help people before that even comes across as an option.

I do however, have a guy very interested in me. Not for sex or whatever gain he could have on me. But he’s genuinely interested in me, knowing I have my problems. He asks me every day how I’m feeling or if I need to talk about anything. “C” is genuinely a sweet guy. Maybe that’s why I try to run from him. He wants to fly me out to Washington to see him. I may do it, I’m still considering it. He’s active duty in the navy. We shall see how this one unfolds.

My best friend and I are suppose to hang out tonight. She understands me better than anyone, she feels how I feel. We are practically the same person. I look forward to spending time with her every time we hang out.

I’m still at work, I have two hours left on shift. Then I have two days off. I made a promise to myself that I would write every day again. And I’m not letting myself break that promise to myself. It helps me be that much closer to writing a book from my blog posts.

That’s all for now, I’ll probably write again later today…
BIPOLAR ME.